A Big Decision

Those of you who read this blog or have talked to us in person about our adoption know that one of the big decisions we have been wrestling with ever since we decided to adopt from the DRC is who would travel to the Congo to pick up Baby Boy. While we would both love to go together, we feel that for financial and personal reasons (our 3 year old daughter at home) it would be best for just one of us to travel.

I think in many ways I felt the weight of this decision more than Joel. Even though our family and friends have strong feelings one way or the other on what they thought we should do, Joel was very open to either option (though very uneasy at the thought of me going).

My head has always known what makes the most sense logistically. My inability to fly without puking (though I do have a remarkable ability to nurse a child and puke in a barf bag at the same time), my asthma that flares up in severe and often dangerous ways when traveling and my recurring panic attacks at the thought of leaving behind our three year old to go so far away would seem to indicate that it wouldn’t be the wisest thing for me or for our family if I would be the one to travel alone. But I don’t think my heart was ready to give up on the idea yet. I want to meet the nannies who care for Baby Boy, his friends at the orphanage, and set foot on the soil of his birth country. I want to be the first one to hold him.

I posed the question of who should go on Facebook to the Congo Adoption group I belong to, and I think that probably had some benefits and…umm…non-benefits. It made me feel a lot of mommy-guilt–almost as though if I didn’t go I’d be choosing my three-year-old over my new baby.  But it also made me realize that this is a decision I/we have to make for what I/we feel best for our family, since only I/we know what that it is and no one else can make that decision for me/us.

I’ve been praying for God’s guidance and for a measure of peace. And in the last couple of weeks, I feel as though he has  given that to me.  While I hope that one day our entire family can go to Africa–and hopefully even Kinshasa–and experience the land of Baby boy’s birth, Joel will be the one to travel to Africa and bring Baby Boy home, and I will be the one to meet them at the airport with anxious, open arms.

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